I wasn’t planning on writing today but it turns out I’ve got a little time to kill so… Lately I’ve made the mistake of praying for patience. This is a lesson I’ve learned before but conveniently forgot, though I’m not sure how exactly I could have. It’s 4:00 AM and I’ve been awake since 2:30 for no good reason. I’m not up saving the world. I’m up trying to have a cup of coffee and my coffee maker just died. Anyone who knows me knows I cannot survive without my coffee. Literally, it is my oxygen mask. Everyone had better get out of the way until I’ve had that first cup. My feet hit the floor in the morning and I beeline with great enthusiasm for the coffee maker. That first sip is the best and I can’t have it. Patience. Oh yes, I prayed for sleep, too, as I’ve been working eleven hour days at work and I’m utterly exhausted. I’m wondering right now how this whole praying thing is supposed to work. Sleep and patience. Should I pray for the opposite? Is this a reverse psychology sort of thing? I already know the answer to this question and I also know God works in mysterious ways. Very mysterious ways. I think He is trying to show me I can do this with or without sleep or a cup of coffee. I’m not sure I believe Him at this moment.
My patience has been tested lately in a lot of ways. An example would be the house I’m renting right now… I took a day off from work last week because my dishwasher and washing machine are broken. My AC isn’t cooling down during the day. My floors are buckling. And my toilet is running. I called my landlord a week in advance to set the day I would take off so she could make all of the appointments and get this stuff taken care of. I’m not in a position where I can just come and go at work. We decided on Tuesday and I arranged it with my boss. Tuesday came and my landlord had not made one single appointment. Patience. I called her and left her a message expressing my frustration in a very kind way and she never returned my call. Patience. I try to remember how fortunate I am to have a roof over my head. And I am, yet I’m still a bit frustrated. It seems the more I pray for patience the more things seem to break down, both literally and figuratively. I think I will try not praying for patience for a little while and see how that goes. I am trying to play reverse psychology with God.
I know God is trying to tell me, “You got this. You can do this no matter what I throw in your way to test you. Keep your gaze focused on me and I’ll get you through. ” Until I fully surrender to him, I will remain frustrated. I know there is so much peace in surrendering. I wish I were better at it being as stubborn as I am. I can’t seem to accept the fact that my coffee maker is broken and have gotten up four times while writing this fifteen minute stream of consciousness to really be sure the coffee maker is indeed broken. I get the same answer every time. It is. What I am hearing is accept what is. And it’s not about the coffee maker. It’s about life. Accepting life as it is right now. Taking His hand and trusting that He knows what He’s doing and He’s got me. I’ll certainly keep trying, but I could really use a cup of coffee right about now. And again the same word comes to mind. Patience.