So I’m about to make a very big statement…I’m giving up drinking. I’ll be blatantly honest, I have more fun when I drink. I lose my inhibitions and just have an all around great time. I laugh more. Everything is a little shinier. I have more confidence all the way around. It’s awesome. Until it isn’t. Until you become someone you can’t even recognize in the mirror. Yes, Diane definitely leaves the building and in her place is this fun, awesome, confident girl with a drink in her hand.
I stopped drinking for almost four years and felt great until I slowly picked it back up again. A glass of wine here and there. A night out with a friend. Seemed harmless enough to me and didn’t seem to cause a problem in my life. Until it did. A very big one.
In the last six weeks I have been drinking heavily on the weekends when I don’t have my kids. Oh and throw in a few weeknights, too. Three glasses of wine will throw me for a loop and I was sometimes going way beyond that. I was lonely and was starting to self medicate. Hell, it wasn’t just the loneliness. It was happiness, it was nervousness, it was sadness. I was beginning to self medicate every feeling I had because I’m starting to wake up and it’s uncomfortable. And I wanted to be comfortable no matter the means of getting there. The problem is alcohol is probably the worst thing I could put in my body.
My body does not process alcohol very well. Even one night of drinking will leave me in a tailspin for about a week. My body goes into fight or flight mode for days as my body resets. So, let’s add several consecutive days of heavy (for me) drinking and I become anxious, depressed, reckless, impulsive, emotional and make some of the worst decisions of my life. And that’s not just when I’m drinking. For days after, I become a train wreck. And then I become uncomfortable again so I go out and have a few more drinks and then the cycle repeats. I get emotional and make rash decisions. I do things I can’t take back. I become someone I never wanted to be. This is all in an effort to be comfortable. I hate that word right now. Comfortable. The lengths we will go to be comfortable! After all, who really wants to be uncomfortable?
I guess the positive in all of this is that I caught myself before it became a much bigger problem than it already was. I was headed down a bad path for me. And I will not tell a lie. Sometimes it seems unfair that I can’t drink the way others do without it having a major impact on my life and relationships, but it’s part of my story and truth. And my story must include the part where I do everything I can to be Diane and not an imposter, no matter how uncomfortable. So I’m making this statement to hold myself accountable. It scares me but I know it’s right. Cheers to being real and uncomfortable!